Piggy-backing on the last blog post about a good intention gone horribly awry, I’d like to share some conversational wisdom (that is, wisdom about conversations) as penned by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen in Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
So, when we’re having a conversation with someone and we think we’re just discussing the facts of an event/process/document, the person we’re talking to might actually be hearing condescension or blame.
Very tricky.
According to the trio, what we say is only the surface of what’s going on for us while there are underlying, insidious feelings and intentions lurking in the depths that we are most likely unaware of. Knowing what these feelings are and how to address them in ourselves and others is key to having more success while navigating difficult conversations.
Here’s the highlights:
The 3 kinds of difficult conversations:
1) The “What Happened?” Conversation
These are the conversations where we try to figure out who’s right (and consequently, who’s wrong), who meant what, and who’s to blame–truth, intention, and blame.
2) The Feelings Conversation
You can’t just push your feelings about a person, a comment, or a situation aside. Sure, you want to keep it professional and not come off as a wuss, but feelings affect the way we interact with people and how we respond to every situation. It’s important to address them in order to avoid potential miscommunications or tension in future dealings.
3) The Identity Conversation
This conversation is all about who we are and how we see ourselves. Anytime a conversation feels difficult, it’s in part because we feel it’s somehow about us; that something personal is at stake. What does this conversation mean about your professionalism, your self-image, your abilities?
This is what my co-conversationalist had going on while I was having the “What Happened?” conversation I mentioned in my last post. She felt personally threatened by what I was saying whereas I felt I was just laying out the facts.
Now you know there are different levels of conversation that can be going on at any given time between you and the person you’re talking to.
How should you deal with this realization?
Should you rehearse everything you say to a co-worker or spouse prior to saying it just to make sure you don’t offend them?
Maybe.
Emotional intelligence is important in any kind of interaction–personal or professional. Being aware that the person you’re talking to may not be having the same conversation you are is the important first step in having better interactions with the people in your life.
Check out the book if you think you could benefit from what it has to say in much more depth than I went into here.
Happy chatting!
(No pressure.)
If there’s one thing I’ve learned since launching my copywriting business in 2007, it’s that continued education is key. There is so much to learn! And, as you would expect, not nearly enough time in a human life to even scratch the surface.
In order to increase the value of my work to my clients, becoming a better writer is a must. I’m not the best writer in the world (I’m okay confessing this), but I work my butt off to be better than I was yesterday.
This has required oodles and oodles of industry-specific and business-in-general reading. In an effort to assist others who seek to expand their skills and have more to offer their clients, I have compiled a list of some of the resources I have found indispensable.
Obviously there are many more relevant books than these, and I’m sure I’ll get to a few of those before it’s all said and done, but these are a solid start and I highly recommend them all.
If you know of any others that should be added to this list, please let me know. I would love to expand this list.
The Well-Fed Writer by Peter Bowerman
Marketing Your Services by Rick Crandall
A Whack on the Side of the Head by Roger Von Oech
Million Dollar Consulting by Alan Weiss
The Ultimate Sales Letter by Dan Kennedy
Legal Guide for Small Business by The American Bar Association
Words That Work by Frank Luntz
Social Media Marketing by Liana “Li” Evans
The Sun Also Rises is a classic. Most people know this and if you don’t, don’t worry. There must be a very good reason why. First published by Scribner (now an imprint of Simon & Schuster) in 1926, I don’t know if other publishers and subsequent publications have this same error, but in my copy of Ernest Hemingway’s book, page 133 strikes a blow to Scribner’s proofreaders.
We paid for the message and walked back to the inn. Harris was there and the three of us walked up to Roncesvalles. We went through the monastery. ‘It’s remarkable place,’ Harris said, when we came out.
No, Harris, it’s not remarkable place. A remarkable place, perhaps, but remarkable place, never.
Are you taking notes Simon? Schuster?
The Sun Also Rises is a classic. Most people know this and if you don’t, don’t worry. There must be a very good reason why. First published by Scribner (now an imprint of Simon & Schuster) in 1926, I don’t know if other publishers and subsequent publications have this same error, but in my copy of Ernest Hemingway’s book, page 133 strikes a blow to Scribner’s proofreaders.
We paid for the message and walked back to the inn. Harris was there and the three of us walked up to Roncesvalles. We went through the monastery. ‘It’s remarkable place,’ Harris said, when we came out.
No, Harris, it’s not remarkable place. A remarkable place, perhaps, but remarkable place, never.
Are you taking notes Simon? Schuster?
Well, it’s official: it’s tomorrow. That means the first installment of my typos in books posts begin today! Yay hooray! I will call them Published Blunders.
The author: John Steinbeck
The book: East of Eden
The publisher: Penguin Books
All of that information in one place true to MLA form: Steinbeck, John.East of Eden. New York: Penguin Books, 2002.
The blunder: One of the characters is named Liza. On page 141 of this Steinbeck Centennial Edition, she is referred to as Lisa…twice…while the correct spelling appears three times on the same page. Oh, Penguin. Here are the sentences:
“No, sir, Mr. Trask, Lisa’s used to cooking for nine starving children.”
And…
“It’s a word of anger and sorrow to Lisa.”
East of Eden is one of my new favorites and I highly recommend it to anyone, not just classic literature buffs. For book details and reviews click here. But if you’re going to buy it, I would shamelessly recommend doing so from this store.
